"There is conflict in my mind about how well I want them to know me and my demons. I have a gut feeling that they will be let out for good or bad. Such is life. If you want to move forward, you need to embrace your past and who you are in the moment."Suddenly today, 10 days after retuning, I found myself, sharing in a one-on-one conversation that part of me that I hide deep down in personal conversations. I acknowledged my demons frankly in way I was not sure I should. I shared with my new friend about my depression and anxiety. It felt so good to say it out loud. This revelation did not come out of the blue, it was something I wanted to share with her ever since I began getting to know her during our trip. What I think surprised me was that she did not seem stunned or run away screaming. I don't know maybe she has voices screaming in her head as I do. What I do know is that I had hoped something(not necessarily this) would happen in Israel. But this is not what I expected in such a great way. The are many complications for anything beyond friendship at this point. In spite of them, I hope we can both help each other grow in to the better people that we both are and that we don't necessarily see in ourselves.
It has been just over 3 weeks since my last post here but it has not been without reason. When I last posted, I was excited about my trip to Israel. The trip was everything I hoped for and nothing I expected. Here I sit a week after my return with a completely different understanding of the country. It is not the violent country that is portrayed on our news here in the United States. Rather, it is more a land of beauty and history like I could not have imagined. I will be posting photos and videos soon. I'm still mentally processing the trip. I did need to write tonight about something else that I found on the trip. And that is a lost piece of myself. Over the course of 10 days of wonder, learning and connecting I felt like I have not felt since my early 20s. I liken it to the CYO retreats that I attended in high school. A group of people some of whom know each other well and others who no nothing of each are thrust together into this intense short term trip. All have essentially the same goal — learning and exploring something new. What I did not expect was the friendship that returned with me. If you have read any of my posts under "Day to Day", you may know that I try to be optimistic about meeting new people and potentially beginning a new relationship. I was not expecting for anything to happen on this particular trip. After all it was a work trip and I was good friends with the nine people from my group who were also going. The other twenty people were from all over the country, Arizona, Ohio and Connecticut. As good as my intentions, given my anxiety and depression, I was not expecting to meet this person. It seemed almost prophetic as I read what I wrote the night before we left: